Once, a glimpse
by idioticonion
Summary: Mary-the-paralegal's sleep is disturbed by her drunken neighbour and his friend. This is sort-of AU based on the huge, sprawling HIMYM Facebook role play. And very smutty, M/M and M/F.


**Once, a glimpse**

If the giggling hadn't woken Mary, then the singing definitely would have.

"I make lists in my sleep ba-ay-ay-by!" The loud, drunken and surprisingly on-key voice seemed to bore into her tired brain like a buzz saw. Irritated, she pulled herself out of her warm bed, shivering in the cold night air and wrapped a robe tightly around her body. Damn neighbours! This was the third time this month!

She threw open the door to her apartment, quite ready to yell at the inconsiderate bastards when she almost walked into Barney Stinson, with his tongue down some guy's throat.

Double-take: Barney Stinson… with his _tongue_… down some _guy's_ throat.

Okay, maybe a third take was needed.

She shifted around to get a closer look and caught the eye of the man who Barney was making out with. The guy pushed Barney back and gave her a terrified grin.

"I'm s-so sorry!" He said, while Barney seemed determined to give him a hickie under the chin. "I didn't know how else to shut him up!"

Barney began to sing again and Mary pulled both men towards the door to her apartment. "You'd better come inside. You can't take him back to his place in that state! He'll disturb James and Sam and create all merry hell!"

The guy gave her a bemused, slightly unfocussed look but followed her lead, helping to drag Barney out of the corridor.

"I'm Mary!" Mary introduced herself, as they half-carried, half pulled Barney into her living room.

"Bill," the guy replied, giving her a shy smile.

"So how do you know Barney?" She asked him, conversationally. Seriously, she was going to kill Barney when he was sober enough to feel it! She was going to cut off his balls and feed them to him! Mary had a tough day at work the next day and she needed her beauty sleep! Did he think that looking this good came naturally?

"I k-kind of… used to d-date… one of his friends… Lily Aldrin?" Bill replied, saying Lily's name with a wistful sigh.

Mary raised an eyebrow. She thought that Lily had dated Marshall since high school or something? Was there some gossip here that she didn't know about?

Barney chose that moment to simultaneously attempt to stick his face down her robe and jam one hand down Bill's pants. "Barney!" Bill squeaked, clearly embarrassed as hell, although Mary could see the bulge which showed he was enjoying it. Somehow she got the feeling that Barney had done that to Bill before, maybe even when he wasn't quite so drunk that he was a little more responsible for his actions.

Why wasn't she at all surprised that Barney Stinson batted for both teams?

It made perfect sense that someone as obsessed with sex as Barney was would keep his options open. He was the eternal opportunist - the jackal of sexual predators.

She recognised the instinct. It was in her as well, after all.

They lowered Barney on to the rug and he managed to hang on to one side of her robe, pulling it open as he fell to the floor. Bill's eyes were practically out on stalks as her breasts were uncovered.

Guess who else seemed to be more-than flexible than she'd thought?

Mary made no move to cover her nakedness, flashing Bill a challenging smile. He grinned shyly and looked away. He was cute, in a chipmunk sort-of way - with scruffy black hair and large, dark eyes. She knelt down on the soft rug and shimmed across Barney, who was giggling softly to himself.

Bill leaned forward impulsively and kissed her.

It was a sweet kiss, almost chaste if it weren't for the trace of tongue flicking against her lips. He tasted of cigarettes and beer and, weirdly, of Barney…

Although she only had her imagination to go on with respect to how Barney tasted. But she imagined he'd taste kind of like whiskey and cigars and spice… like each kiss was worth a hundred dollars.

She raised an eyebrow, held Bill's gaze, then lowered her head to find out. She held Barney's face steady, he was singing again, and kissed him. It couldn't have been more different from kissing Bill - Barney was sloppy and insistent and full of urgency and passion. The kiss lit a fire between her legs and made her moan until he came up for air and murmured: "Robin…?"

She pulled back and Bill gave her a shrug. "No idea who he is!" Bill said. "Robin… I mean. Barney's been… t-talking about him… all night…"

Bill looked so forlorn that Mary leaned forward and kissed him again, taking her time, her tongue exploring his mouth until he relaxed enough to reach out for her and cup her breast, fingers tweaking her nipple. She batted his hand away with a chuckle.

"Robin's not a guy," she explained. "You look surprised." He did and Mary realised that Barney had possibly given this guy completely the wrong impression. "Robin's the woman he loves. Although he's too scared, or whatever, to make her his…"

Bill looked down at the floor, incredulously. "I c-can't imagine him being s-scared of anything!" He gulped. He really was rather adorable!

She leaned in for another kiss. "Believe me…" She murmured into his mouth, "He's scared of a hell of a lot of things." But as she began to kiss Scooter, she felt Barney's fingers trail up her inner thigh and probe between her bare legs and she realised that, perhaps, sex really wasn't one of them.

It was maddening… kissing Bill, Barney's clumsy fingers rubbing against her clit. She wanted more. She ached as she ground herself against Barney's hand, groaning into Bill's mouth and working his fly until she could pull his jeans over his hips. Bill pushed her away from him so that he could reach out for Barney, who was still flat-out but was massaging his own groin with this other hand. Bill pulled down Barney's zipper with a rasp and freed the other man's dick and pumping it with an expertise which told Mary all she'd wanted to know.

Yep, those two had been at it like a pair of rabbits.

Interesting…

She thought at first that Bill was going to go down on Barney but then she realised he was searching the semi-conscious man for condoms. He tossed her one, unrolling the other onto his own erection while she got to work on Barney's. Bill's eager expression gave lie to the tentative, sweet persona she'd seen so far.

He growled, and patted his lap, the little tiger! No wonder Barney liked him!

Mary positioned herself, straddling him, letting him thrust up inside her. The welcome pain/pleasure of his entry made her cry out, waking Barney out of his stupor. Luckily, they were close enough so that both Mary and Bill could wrap one hand each around Barney's erection, keeping him happy as Bill began to move inside her.

He was smooth, this shy boy, she thought. And he was good at what he was doing. A little intense, maybe, but she wondered if Lily knew what she was missing out on? Mary cried out as Bill insinuated his other hand between them, massaging her clit as he began to fuck her in earnest. Barney let out a strangled moan as both their hands moved over his groin, a blur of movement as Bill thrust hard inside her.

Barney came… Mary felt his penis spasm against her palm, but her attention was kind-of distracted by Bill's other hand shifting to her ass, thrusting in deep as her orgasm swept through her, a fire in her loins, burning and burning until she thought she couldn't take any more. He went on a lot longer than she expected - he was pretty drunk after all, but eventually, when she was writhing and pleading for mercy in his grip, she felt him jerk and swell inside her.

Bill lifted her and lay her back on the floor beside Barney, who was now snoring, his chest gently rising and falling, his lips curved in a peaceful smile.

And even though Mary knew she would totally regret it in the morning, she lay down between the two of them, and drifted into sleep with Bill's hand hooked protectively around her waist.


End file.
